I just saw the latest example of Jason Statham's willingness to do (or drive) anything for a paycheck - an Audi spot featuring the once respected actor wheeling his way through history via an evolution of Audi models. If not for the ultra fast cutting and distracted narrative, I probably would have picked up on some examples of the eras represented, but much like his films of late, there was too much emphasis on blurred kinetic motion and choppy editing and not enough on character or story.
When exactly did Jason Statham become permanently typecast as the sexy tough guy who dives cars really fast? The answer of course is five minutes after he became a star... but how does one acquire such specifc typecasting? The problem with motor-obsessed films is (much like their magazine counterparts), they're not usually very good.
If I ran Hollywood, there would be an Artist Probation program designed to increase the quality of Tinseltown's offerings. The program would be voluntary of course - you could go on probation, or drop out of the film industry altogether. I believe in offering artists a choice.
In my new program, Jason Statham would only be allowed to work in Guy Ritchie films (where he earned his stature as an edgy leading man type), and in any car driving scenes, he would have to remain in moderate-to-heavy traffic. This would force him to do 50% more acting, and Mr. Ritchie could possibly have a positive effect on his script-choosing skills. After a 5-year sentence in this probation, he could venture out with other directors, but only on bicycles or skateboards at first, until he can drive and act simultaneously again.
And speaking of Mr. Ritchie - no more films with Madonna. Period. I probably don't need to say this, I'm sure he's made this decision on his own already - but he's gotta go cold turkey on the Madonna. Once was more than enough. Don't even reference her music for at least 3 films.
As for Madonna, keep making your music. After all, throngs of teenage and wannabee teenage girls still extract life-giving manna from your performances. But no more movies for you. That part of your career is over. You may still do SNL appearances, where your talents can truly be mined for parody gold. In fact I encourage regular surprise appearances on Saturday Night Live, if only to maintain your significance as the 50's take hold and your aerobically baked arms slowly turn into gristle.
Now then, regarding Saturday Night Live, there are a few Alumni in need of re-education. While greats like Sandler, Belushi, Murray, Fey, Aykroyd, Murphy, Poehler, Ferrel, and Myers have maintained successful (if critically spotty) film careers, other have done little more than stain the DVD landscape with their misguided creations and adaptations.
Chris Kataan, you're first. I love you man, I do - you gave me so much on SNL (you stood toe-to-toe with Walken), and you were the only funny thing in Monkeybone! But your days of filmmaking are officially suspended. Even Bollywood Hero, your self-deprecating attempt to satirize the very point I am making, was hardly watchable. Jean Claude Van Damme pulled it off more successfully... hell, even unscripted abominations like The Surreal Life have more celebrity-roasting entertainment value.
But it is certainly not over for you Chris. I decree an SNL re-education program whereby past greats are sentenced - er, invited - to rejoin the current staff and remain in the warm fold of Lorne Michaels' creative womb until such time that they are ready to get back out there and try again. Come back to SNL Chris, work your magic again. Get back in shape.
Even Dana Carvey - who I utterly worship - couldn't transcend feature-film sidekick status without severe embarrassment. I tend to blame some unseen agent for this, but no matter - get your ass back on SNL Dana, where you will quickly regain your godlike status. I will TIVO every episode, and even watch the commercials if that is what's required.
There's room there for Fallon as well, but alas, we have lost him to what appears could be a successful talk-show stint. While his monologue skills remain drab and colorless, his celebrity chatting acumen is as sharp and personable as ever. You are free to do your thing, Jimmy. Chevy, you just squeaked by the probation requirements with your new gig on Community. Way to show us you can give your all after so many years of phoning it in. I'm proud of you Chevy.
Anyone else out there willing to take a voluntary Artist Probation assignment can write to me, the self-appointed King of Hollywood, courtesy of this blog. I will do my best to find you an appropriate, career reviving, crap-reducing sentence somewhere in Tinseltown.
KOH
